How the Principal Investigator PI Stole Our Vanquish

As we wrap up this year, here’s a good story to cheer!

Our Thermo Scientific™ Vanquish™ caused a jealous PI some anguish.

Every chromatographer in our lab loves our HPLC a whole lot.

But the PI across the hall for whatever reason did not!

The PI hated HPLC! Especially HIS instrument.

And we still do not know why.

Perhaps his column was not connected right.

Or his fittings were too tight?

But we think the most likely reason of all,

Is his budget simply too small.

Whatever the reason, his budget or his fittings,

He sat in his office annoyed at our cheering.

He knew our Vanquish was the best.

The proof was in our system suitability tests.

“And it’s always working” he shouted with anger,

“I must get my own Vanquish! My promotion is in danger!”

Stressed from writing grants every day,

The PI thought, “There must be a better way.”

Then he stood from his chair, pacing from wall to wall.

“I MUST find a way to get the Vanquish across the hall.”

For tomorrow he knew we would come to the lab in a hurry,

Excited to run another experiment without worry.

And to make things worse, we’d do something he hated the MOST!

We’d celebrate our success with a champagne toast.

Now the more the PI thought of our toasting,

The more he thought, “I must stop this whole thing.”

“Why, for eleven years I’ve put up with it now!”

“I must stop this toast from coming! But HOW?”

Then he got an idea. A horrible idea.

THE PI GOT A BEAUTIFUL, HORRIBLE IDEA!

“I know just what to do,” the PI said under his breath.

And he got a broom and bucket from the janitor’s stash.

“Muwhahaha” he laughed. “What a great PI ploy.”

“With this broom and bucket, I’ll look just like the cleaning boy.”

“All I need is the lab key,” he said looking around.

But because keys are scarce, there were none to be found.

Did that stop the PI? No, the PI gleefully said,

“If I can’t find a key, I’ll hide in their lab instead.”

So he slipped through our door and hid in a box.

And he sat coiled until his watch read ten o’clock.

Then the PI silently slithered out of the box,

Creeping toward our Vanquish like a sly fox.

And as we slept through the night in peace,

The PI stole our beloved Vanquish with ease.

The pump! And the autosampler!

The column compartment! The detector!

He packed up our Vanquish piece by piece.

Ten feet across the hall! Sitting in his office!

“Boohoo to THOSE Chromatographers!” the PI shouted with joy.

“They’ll be here soon! I know just what they’ll do!”

“They’ll cry and cry and ask why!”

“And I’ll hear their sorrows with my own eyes!”

But to his dismay, we didn’t shed a single tear.

Because our BRAND NEW Vanquish was here!

So we danced and cheered! “It’s here! It’s here!”

And the PI pulled out what was left of his hair.